Hey!
It's been a while since I've writen, I choose a rocky road with lots of sharp turns, so I did not have the time, desire, and mental space to write. For some time now I find myself thinking about who I am and how I define myself. Often times I try to define myself and almost always don't succeed. Why is it so damn difficult? I am almost 25 years old, and I still can't figure it out.
The toughest challenge I faced when I left my family, community, friends, and comfort zone was to create my identity. Now that I am not a part of commericial religion where my community and family structures my life and thoughts, how the hell do I figure life out?
Majority define themselves based on physical appearance, accomplishments/success (education/occupation), and how they want to be perceived by others. And for a long time that is how I answered too, I am beautiful, I am smart, I am caring, I am quick, I am a PRiNCESS, a child of God, I am "normal," I am friendly, etc.
All the things I mentioned are true about me, but am I happy with my identity? Firstly, I want to think about what factors go into defining oneself. There are many things that make up who I am but to simplify the two main things I will categorize them into nature and nurture.
"Nature, my biological makeup, my current health, and my environment"
"Nurture, the influence of my environment, my relationships, my daily activities"
Both nature and nurture play a vital role in how I define myself. Most days when I am feeling healthy, I am happy and thankful and define as healthy strong and confident. On days when I am feeling under the weather, I describe myself as a weak, ill useless failure. I don't even allow myself to identify as a lady because in my eyes women are strong and confident. Yes, I can be a bit too hard on myself.
My environment is essential to how I identify myself as well. When I am on my yoga mat trying to connect with my breath, I define as a beautiful, forgiving soul that wants to grow and be more flexible & strong. On my mat, I tend to feel lost, and I love that feeling where I am not headed towards any direction, and I do not have a goal. I'm just observing how my body and soul react to challenges, and that leads me to identify as "the soul that does not know anything." I don't know how I will feel, what the universe has in store for me if everything I know til now is all a lie if my fears do not actually exist, what really matters, are the principals I live by actual mine? What is good/bad, right/wrong. I just don't know, and I don't want to know either because when I thought I knew and I was so sure of my knowledge and answers, I found that it feeds my ego. Knowing it all gives me this false feeling of greatness and assurance turning me into a preacher. I CAN'T STAND PREACHERS!
Now let me be real, I do get anxious once in a while. Anxious about the unknown, present, future, the past and how it will haunt me, finances, appearance, failure, etc. To relieve my anxiety, I remind myself that my thoughts guide the end result and stressing over things I can not control is a big waste of time. I can control my mind, thoughts, feelings, and actions. Everything else after that is not in my hands, and that gives me a sense of relief. Because it's not my damn business so stop tripping lady! Everything falls into place eventually, I don't need to have everything figured out and answered. There is nothing wrong with not knowing, nothing wrong with changing my mind, I am not a slave to my thoughts/beliefs/interests from even a few seconds ago.